While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
