she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
