I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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