My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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