but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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