Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
