On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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