Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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