You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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