oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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