Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
