Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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