so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
