The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
