I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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