Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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