just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize