Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There's always time for handjobs
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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