FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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