I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
