2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
