I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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