I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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