Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
