i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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