if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think I won the penis lottery.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
