i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
