Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
