Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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