Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
