it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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