Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Is it penis luge time yet?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
