Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
