i used baking grease as lip gloss
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
