First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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