Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
