the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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