I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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