wakey wakey hands off snakey
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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