He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
