holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
