My sheets look like a crime scene.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
