Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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