I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
