Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
