Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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