he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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