hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
