a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
