I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
