I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well I just put wine in my tea
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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