Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
