Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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