Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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