so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
