There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
