Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
