Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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