i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
