420 ftw
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
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alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
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I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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